Over the past few weeks I’ve been getting lots of feedback on my book, “The Friend Zone Playbook” and my blog post. First and foremost, THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!!! I’ve been able to speak with a lot of the readers through emails and DM’s; I’ve noticed that there seems to be a lot of questions revolving around the topic of time wasting in a relationship. To be honest, it makes sense. No one looking for a real commitment wants to stick around in a situation that isn’t going anywhere. The most valuable thing we all have is time and allowing someone to waste it should be a crime; but it isn’t. So, to prevent you from wasting anymore of your time, emotions, money, sex tricks, and everything else that you give to a person you’re trying to be in a relationship with, below I’ve listed a few things to look out for. My hope is that this will give you more time to share with someone who really deserves it!
They’ll Spend The Night, But NOT The Day
This is a bright-ass red flag flying in the air! Anyone who always has an excuse about why they can’t spend time with you when it doesn’t have something to do with sex is only there for one of two reasons; the sex is good or they need a place to sleep at night! I’m not saying that a person can’t be busy or that they might not have other legitimate responsibilities to handle but if they can’t carve out sometime with you away from the bed (or wherever y’all like to get it in), there’s a serious problem. You can’t expect to build a relationship that only takes place in the bed.
It’s Always On You
If they want a real relationship with you, they’ll make a real effort! If the person you’re involved with isn’t willing to do their part in developing the relationship, there’s a good chance that they have no intentions on being in a serious relationship with you. You shouldn’t be the only one making plans to spend time! You shouldn’t be the only one sending out the first text or call of the day. You also shouldn’t have to always make the first move when it comes to being physical. If a person wants you, their actions should leave little room for wonder. It doesn’t have to be a 50/50 exchange or even 60/40 (Every relationship contains a dominant aggressor, even when both people are naturally passive or aggressive in their interactions with each other); but regardless if you’re the one that likes to start things off or not, there should be times when the person you’re dating takes the lead.
“We’re Not Together”
If they never miss an opportunity to tell you that you’re not together, there’s a good chance that the two of you never will be; at least, not in the near future. Someone who wants to pursue something real with you will find ways to bring both of you closer to commitment; they won’t celebrate the fact that the two of you don’t have one. When a person says to you, “We’re not together”, they’re telling you that they are fully content with not being with you. It’s a way to keep you in check. If the person that you want to be in a serious relationship with tells you anything like that, you’d be a fool to think I commitment will ever happen.!
Never The Right Time
When someone tells you that the time isn’t right for a relationship, you need to do one of two things, stop wasting your time or get comfortable with whatever role you’re currently in. Statements like these can tell you a lot about a person’s priorities, your true value to them, or even the way they view relationships in general. If they don’t see a relationship with you as a priority in their life, it will likely be a very long time before that changes, if it ever does. If they really valued you, they would do what was necessary to keep you. No matter what’s happening in a person’s life, if having a meaningful relationship is something that they have as a goal, the moment that the right person comes into their life, nothing is going to stand in the way of that person obtaining that goal. With all of that being said, if they’re waiting for the “right time”, just know you’re wasting your “damn time”! Don’t fall for the weak ass excuses.
Why Are They So Mad
It Ain’t Just You
I am a believer in dating around. There is nothing with getting to know more than one person at a time. However, when you think that you’ve found someone special, you’re attention should start being placed solely in that direction. If you feel like you’re ready to be in a committed relationship with a person but they’re still talking to one or more people, either they’re not feeling you like that or they’re use to messing around with people until they’re told that they can’t anymore. If you value yourself and your time, you must immediately find out which one it is and then act on it! If they aren’t there with you yet, leave! If you stay, you will either get hurt or start to resent the person, which almost guarantees that you’ll never be in a relationship with them. Leaving the situation will quickly show you if the person is the one for you. If they decide to let you stay gone, you’ve just saved yourself some time and bullshit. If they decide to drop the others and devote themselves to you, not only do you get what you want but you also begin setting the standards for what you will and won’t deal with in your newly formed relationship. Be sure that they have really stopped dealing with everyone – I’ll share with you ways to tell if you’re the only one in a post VERY SOON.
You Matter But Your Circle Doesn’t
A person who is interested in really taking the next step in a relationship with you should be expected to want to find out about the people who mean the most to you. If you’re truly trying to build a long lasting relationship, you both need to make an effort to get acquainted with your mate’s respective family and friends. This isn’t to say that they have to like them or even want to hang out with them but they should want to know who’s in your “support system”. If the person you’re dealing with doesn’t want to do this, you should definitely be concerned. This could possibly be a sign that they will be VERY controlling in your relationship; they might not have respect for the people and things that matter the most to you; this could also be a sign that the person has an unhealthy fear of social interactions. Whatever the issue is, if this isn’t immediately addressed, not only could you be wasting your time but you could also be putting yourself in a situation that you probably don’t want to be in. Also, if you have any kids, the person should view a relationship with them to be as important as having one with you.
Your Needs Are Met, But Not Your Wants
Your needs should always take precedence over your wants but, in a committed relationship, your partner should also attempt to provide some of the things that will make you happy. Don’t write off the things that you want in a relationship just because a person is willing to give you all the things you need from a relationship. A lot of times, when a person wants to keep you around but not commit, they will treat you like you’re in a relationship but never actually give you the “title” of one. They’ll deny your request but make you fully aware that you are receiving things most people need in a relationship like companionship, conversations, support, sex, etc. Even though this may be true, don’t get finessed into settling! It becomes easier to not get the relationship you want when they’re giving you the things that you need. If it continues, eventually they’ll lose interest in ever being in a relationship with you and you can find yourself wasting months and even years because you were comfortable with what you allowed that person to pacify you with. You are the only person that has the power to decide what you are willing to spend your time on. Life is too short to hand that power over to someone who doesn’t care if they waste it!